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This is Mom, Kristi & me ... sadly how it's going to be soon.

So today's news has Dad on morphine now for pain from his bed sores and for shallow breathing. The nurse's report today was not good, and Mark says he has slept almost all day today. Mom seems very discouraged and of course, that trickles down to me. I keep telling my therapist, "we've known this was coming for months now, so why is it like brand new every time he gets worse?" She says nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one, not even prolonged illness.
I remember when I first got married, driving away toward Virginia Beach after our honeymoon, and feeling a few moments of panic. I loved Artie and had faith in him, but I was thinking, "I'm leaving my Daddy, who is going to protect me now?" I always knew I was safe if Dad was around. Dad was never a macho guy, but I knew he would give his life to protect mine and Kristi's, or Mom's. Obviously Artie did a fine job over the last "100" years, but I'm starting to feel a similar sense of panic. With Dad gone, who is my protector now? There's something very lonely about losing a parent. Parents and siblings are BLOOD. No matter what you do in life or how much you may drift apart, you're still BLOOD and nothing can change it. Now I feel I have one less person in my corner, one piece less of me in the world.
Anyway ... I still have my heavenly Father to lean on - and that's even better than BLOOD.

Updates

I haven't blogged in a while ... busy and sad. Dad is still with us, and has spent the last 4 days at the St. Mary's Hospice facility in Halls. It is meant as respite care to give Mom a break for a few days. If you've never been a caregiver, you have no idea what it's like. Kristi and I were very supportive of Mom having a break, plus the hospice nurses all said that he would receive excellent care at the facility (and he has). However, not all of the family has been supportive - some of them downright rude and hateful and I wish them evil. (sorry, but I'm angry) He suffered another stroke yesterday while we were all there and it was hard to see him in that state. We sang to him and he seemed to really enjoy that.

On another note, Logan is going to tour the middle school this week and that of course forces me to think about the fact that he will be ending his elementary school "career" in 4 weeks. I can't stand the thought of him going off to "scary" middle school. It gives me diarrhea. :(

And I have some really big decisions to make work-wise. So I need a lot of prayers.

I'm attaching Dad's latest photo above - it was taken on 4-18-09.

The End Seems Near ...

As I write today I have a lot of conflicted emotions. I'm stressed out, of course, because I'm about to be off work for a week - you know what that means: Get everything on your desk completed and prepare to be snowed under again when you return! And better hope you didn't forget anything, b/c I'll be calling you during your vacation if you did!! AHHHHH But I am definitely looking forward to a week off with Artie & Logan. Our evenings are much too short and we don't get enough time just the 3 of us. We are going to the Great Wolf Lodge near Cincinnati to an indoor water park resort. www.greatwolflodge.com. It looks fabulous. I hope Artie & I can keep up with Logan! We leave Saturday and will return Wednesday, so then I'll have 2 more weekdays off at home to hopefully SCRAP and just enjoy our new house.
Of course my other mixed emotions concern Dad. He has been under hospice home care for about 4 weeks now. This week it seems his liver has begun to shut down and his skin is turning a yellow-tan color. He is less responsive each day, although he still will nod at us or whisper some words. He is almost in the fetal position now and probably weighs about 100 pounds. It is so hard to see him like this, so I know that when his time does come, he will be in a MUCH better place and will not suffer any more. However, Mom, Kristi and I will of course suffer from missing him terribly. Even though he's very ill and mentally deteriorated, he is still HERE - you know? I have been dealing with this in therapy for several weeks and I believe my therapist has very helpful things to say. I am at peace with my Dad, he knows I love him and I know he loves me. I know he's going to heaven, and eventually so will I. I know he lived a good life here - doing what God intended for him to do. I know he loved my mom and sister, and his grandchildren. I haven't said any horrible things to him to regret, or neglected him in his illness. I will just miss him. And that's okay. Grief is a natural part of life, and it's okay to be sad and cry. I am thankful that I had him as my father and thankful that we share the same Heavenly Father so our family does not end with phsyical death.
So, now that I'm crying ONCE AGAIN...
Say a prayer for us.

Acceptance

What a weekend. Going to the funeral home to make funeral arrangements for your Dad does not make for a fun-filled Saturday. Mom, Kristi & I handled it pretty well, though, mostly thanks to Kristi's incessant banter trying to keep us from crying. We chose a beautiful black and silver casket, as well as the vault and the register book set. We discussed the music and the photo montage. We discussed the ministers and other more morbid details, such as having a closed casket. I spent some time with Dad on Sunday and it really hit me how close his time is. His main bed sore on his hip is incredibly bad. I don't know how he cannot feel that! The home health nurse says he can't feel it, but he does try to scratch at it. And new sores are developing on his back and his left waist. His weight continues to drop and he is less verbally responsive than ever before. His right leg had already drawn up to his chest; now his left leg is drawing up, as well. His arms and hands are covered in purple necrotic skin areas. It is so hard to see him like this. His eyes are less focused, although he still turns to look when I say "Dad" or "Papaw." His voice seems softer when he does speak. As hard as it is to see him this way, I cannot imagine him physically being gone. At least now I can see him and touch him, speak to him whether he understands me or not. How terribly selfish I am to want him to stay around just for my sake, huh? I can't imagine not having a father here on earth, alive. But I do accept that he will be better off when he passes - in a far, far better place. Please pray for my family, especially Mom, Kristi, and me, as we travel down this road. Even 5 years of illness cannot prepare you for the inevitable last days. Cherish your loved ones every day!!

"If I Could Turn Back Time ..."

No, I'm not Cher, but sometimes I wish I could turn back time and do things better... I spent a snow day at home with Logan yesterday, working from home of course, but nevertheless at home with my son on a weekday. I've been wishing over the past several weeks/months that we had chosen to have more children. Maybe we could have immediately after Logan was born, but at our ages, we were worried about keeping up with ONE child, so we didn't do it then and now 10 years have suddenly passed. I worry about Logan being an only child and how we have spoiled him so much. I worry about him not having any brothers or sisters to lean on when he's older, or to play with now. He is so dependent on Artie and me for everything, including entertaining him, and I don't think we do a very good job sometimes. I just have a melancholy feeling that the opportunity has passed to have a bigger family. I wish I could have been more motivated when I worked from home as a transcriptionist. It could have been the perfect set-up, working full-time, but on my own schedule and being more available to my child. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now I suppose.
I have a new scrap class tonight, making a book called True Love. I wanted to do this class because so much of my scrapping is Logan-related or the nieces, all children things. This book will be about me & Artie, from when we met until now, and it will be fun to concentrate on us, what we've been through and where we are today. I am so very blessed to have a husband who still loves me and has really been there for the long haul, raising Logan, helping care for my ailing dad ...I can't believe we've been married 22 years!

Water Aerobics

I can't believe it. I survived an hour of water aerobics class last night at the Y. Artie, Logan and I all participated and somehow managed to get through it - as unfit as we all are! We re-joined the Y to get into better shape - we are all too heavy and way out of shape. The water aerobics was difficult, but somehow I made it through the whole class. The water was pretty cold! It was 39 degrees outside, but the pool temperature was posted as 81 degrees. Sure didn't feel like 81 degrees. (Well, maybe the last 20 minutes it did!) LOL Anyway, hopefully this will become a weekly thing for us.

I'm Going to be a Great-Aunt!

My beautiful niece Deann just called to say she is pregnant! I am so excited for her. This will be her first and I, for one, hope it's a boy. Logan is the only boy on both sides of the family and he would like another one around! LOL I can't wait to follow her pregnancy and see what the baby is and how everything goes. Please keep her and the baby in your prayers!