Looking Forward

I can't believe it's only 4 weeks from Monday until my surgery. This has been such a long time coming! My life is going to change for the better in so many ways! I am really looking forward to it!

We had dinner at Mom's last night so Hannah could show off her Batgirl costume to the family. She looked ADORABLE!! It was such a cute costume and she is such a cute girl anyway.

Hopefully it will not start raining tonight until late so we can go to the Haunted Forest. We haven't been yet this year and I love to go. Plus we are singing at Dante on Sunday night, so it would be TWO chances to see my Dante pals.

I am struggling through another day at work of feeling sluggish and tired. I have work to do, but it's not stimulating my mind enough to keep me super-awake and focused. I swear I think I could sleep for a week and still feel tired. I certainly hope the weight loss from the surgery will make this exhausted feeling go away.

Gastric Bypass Surgery

After a lot of research and doctor appointments and prayer and saving money, Artie and I decided together that I would undergo gastric bypass surgery. I chose to use Dr. Stephen Boyce as my surgeon and am very comfortable with him and his staff and their very comprehensive program. My surgery is scheduled for November 30th. I will be attending a lengthy preoperative diet class in about two weeks to go over my new eating habits and postoperative care.
I am very excited about this opportunity to change my health and my life in such a huge way. I have been overweight for so long now that I don't remember how it feels to be a normal weight and not have the weight-related health issues such as high blood pressure, sleep apnea, joint pain, back pain, extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, etc. I am too young to feel so old!
Please pray for me as I undergo this dramatic life change. Hopefully I will be able to impact Artie and Logan and the rest of my family in a positive way and improve their health, as well.

Dad

Dad passed away on June 11, 2009. It was a very peaceful passing, with Mom, Kristi, Pig, Artie and me around his bedside. Everyone else had just left for the night and the kids and Aunt Connie were in other rooms preparing for bed. We saw a light in his eyes and knew he was seeing the lights of home. (There were no lights on in the room).
He has a beautiful tombstone at Emory Pike Cemetary with a lighthouse engraved on it. But he's not there - he's in a MUCH better place!

Last Goodbye

So Dad's main hospice nurse called last night and told us we needed to say our final goodbyes to Dad. They are starting him on a morhpine drip today and said that he probably will be asleep after that until he passes. What heartbreaking news. Basically they told us that he is suffering and in pain, even though he can't articulate it, and in order to put him into a peaceful state to prepare for death, he needs the morphine. The nurse explained it to us fully and answered all of our questions. It was a very sad night. I talked to him, he nodded in response; Kristi talked to him a little. Mom's pastor, Kevin, came, and her friends Linda & Joyce. Logan had a very hard time and was sobbing. Hannah was oblivious, thankfully.

Of course we do not want Dad to suffer one bit, so we understand the need for the medication. It was saying goodbye to those sad blue eyes that did me in. He knows ... he knows.

Latest News

This is Mom, Kristi & me ... sadly how it's going to be soon.

So today's news has Dad on morphine now for pain from his bed sores and for shallow breathing. The nurse's report today was not good, and Mark says he has slept almost all day today. Mom seems very discouraged and of course, that trickles down to me. I keep telling my therapist, "we've known this was coming for months now, so why is it like brand new every time he gets worse?" She says nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one, not even prolonged illness.
I remember when I first got married, driving away toward Virginia Beach after our honeymoon, and feeling a few moments of panic. I loved Artie and had faith in him, but I was thinking, "I'm leaving my Daddy, who is going to protect me now?" I always knew I was safe if Dad was around. Dad was never a macho guy, but I knew he would give his life to protect mine and Kristi's, or Mom's. Obviously Artie did a fine job over the last "100" years, but I'm starting to feel a similar sense of panic. With Dad gone, who is my protector now? There's something very lonely about losing a parent. Parents and siblings are BLOOD. No matter what you do in life or how much you may drift apart, you're still BLOOD and nothing can change it. Now I feel I have one less person in my corner, one piece less of me in the world.
Anyway ... I still have my heavenly Father to lean on - and that's even better than BLOOD.

Updates

I haven't blogged in a while ... busy and sad. Dad is still with us, and has spent the last 4 days at the St. Mary's Hospice facility in Halls. It is meant as respite care to give Mom a break for a few days. If you've never been a caregiver, you have no idea what it's like. Kristi and I were very supportive of Mom having a break, plus the hospice nurses all said that he would receive excellent care at the facility (and he has). However, not all of the family has been supportive - some of them downright rude and hateful and I wish them evil. (sorry, but I'm angry) He suffered another stroke yesterday while we were all there and it was hard to see him in that state. We sang to him and he seemed to really enjoy that.

On another note, Logan is going to tour the middle school this week and that of course forces me to think about the fact that he will be ending his elementary school "career" in 4 weeks. I can't stand the thought of him going off to "scary" middle school. It gives me diarrhea. :(

And I have some really big decisions to make work-wise. So I need a lot of prayers.

I'm attaching Dad's latest photo above - it was taken on 4-18-09.

The End Seems Near ...

As I write today I have a lot of conflicted emotions. I'm stressed out, of course, because I'm about to be off work for a week - you know what that means: Get everything on your desk completed and prepare to be snowed under again when you return! And better hope you didn't forget anything, b/c I'll be calling you during your vacation if you did!! AHHHHH But I am definitely looking forward to a week off with Artie & Logan. Our evenings are much too short and we don't get enough time just the 3 of us. We are going to the Great Wolf Lodge near Cincinnati to an indoor water park resort. www.greatwolflodge.com. It looks fabulous. I hope Artie & I can keep up with Logan! We leave Saturday and will return Wednesday, so then I'll have 2 more weekdays off at home to hopefully SCRAP and just enjoy our new house.
Of course my other mixed emotions concern Dad. He has been under hospice home care for about 4 weeks now. This week it seems his liver has begun to shut down and his skin is turning a yellow-tan color. He is less responsive each day, although he still will nod at us or whisper some words. He is almost in the fetal position now and probably weighs about 100 pounds. It is so hard to see him like this, so I know that when his time does come, he will be in a MUCH better place and will not suffer any more. However, Mom, Kristi and I will of course suffer from missing him terribly. Even though he's very ill and mentally deteriorated, he is still HERE - you know? I have been dealing with this in therapy for several weeks and I believe my therapist has very helpful things to say. I am at peace with my Dad, he knows I love him and I know he loves me. I know he's going to heaven, and eventually so will I. I know he lived a good life here - doing what God intended for him to do. I know he loved my mom and sister, and his grandchildren. I haven't said any horrible things to him to regret, or neglected him in his illness. I will just miss him. And that's okay. Grief is a natural part of life, and it's okay to be sad and cry. I am thankful that I had him as my father and thankful that we share the same Heavenly Father so our family does not end with phsyical death.
So, now that I'm crying ONCE AGAIN...
Say a prayer for us.