Thankful

So the last few weeks have been kind of a self-pity party for me, reminding myself that since I’m overweight I can’t be attractive and if I’m not attractive then why live… lovely thoughts like that. I don’t know why I get this way sometimes – occasionally it’s a comment someone makes or something I see on TV, or because I look particularly bad in an outfit or something. Superficial, I know, but real to me nonetheless. I guess it’s a limb of my lovely depression tree.

Anyway, with Thanksgiving coming up this week, I decided to try to be positive and think of all the things I have to be thankful for instead of the things I hate about myself. First of all, I am alive and relatively healthy (other than being overweight that is). I am thankful that I don’t have some terrible disease (yet). I am also of course thankful for my husband, Artie, who has lived with me and my neuroses for almost 21 years now. He told me yesterday that he never wants me to feel ugly, because to him I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I mean, come on, how sweet is that? And have you seen me lately? I’m so NOT beautiful! That kind of love is hard to find, and especially hard to keep alive for 21 years. He gave me a beautiful diamond journey necklace as my early anniversary gift to cheer me up from my self-pity. He does most of the housework, he cooks a lot of meals, he loves me through my craziness and depression. And he thinks I’m beautiful? How could I ever beat that? I am very thankful for him.

I am also thankful for our one-of-a-kind son, Logan. He is truly a unique and special child. He danced across the den last night in his boxers to Christmas music. His glasses are always smudged and at the end of his nose. He has two adult front teeth and the rest are still baby teeth, so he favors Bugs Bunny somewhat. He is hilarious and moody and smart and stubborn and for better or worse, the center of our lives. I am truly thankful that God blessed us with a child – one child – this child.

I will write more later. This has been all the positivism I can handle for now.

Learning ...

Well, after finally getting some help for me at work in the form of a new secretary ... Steve has now fired her and I'm all alone again. However, I did get the experience of actually leaving on time a few days while she was here and now I remember how great that feels, so I'm trying to do it more often. LOL That precious half-hour of time between 4:30 and 5:00 actually can be used for good instead of slaving away at my desk for another 30 minutes for FREE. Traffic is lighter if I leave on time, and I can actually run in the grocery store or Walmart or go tan before I pick up Logan ... it's amazing how much 30 minutes can mean to me.
I am so much enjoying Logan's baseball games, but the season is drawing to an end. His last regular season game is next week and then he has a 7-night tournament. Whew! I'm sure I'll be over baseball, at least temporarily, after that. LOL His team is doing great and is 3rd in their district or whatever it's called. He will start practicing for fall ball in July, so I'll definitely be getting my baseball fix.
We have booked our vacation and it's written in blood... or money at least. We have paid for our airline tickets and prepaid our hotel so WORK or nothing else can sway us from our trip. :) We are very excited about 3 days in Orlando and 4 days ON THE BEACH and are counting down the days. Just the 3 of us ... it will be a blast and a much-deserved break.
Artie has been sending out resumes right and left to get out of his ever-worsening job situation. The second of four employees has quit now so it's just Artie and his boss, which means Artie works every night until 7:30 and every other weekend. SUCK CITY. He has an interview next week that we are very excited about, so cross your fingers!

Time Management

So here are all the things I'm trying to fit into my schedule these days: Work (10-11 hours per day), 2nd job (1-2 hours per day), Logan's sports (avg. 2-3 nights per week), church, time with my husband (HA!), enjoying my pool and backyard, and scrapbooking. I'm eliminating the "extra items" from my schedule altogether, like exercise, watching TV, long bubble baths, and my favorite - naps. Anybody want to make me a calendar?

Weight Loss Surgery Debate

I was recently complaining about my weight again and that my diet pills have stopped working. (Adipex prescribed by my real doctor). My husband made the remark that he thinks surgery is about the only option that would work for me now. I've tried diets, pills, plans, exercise (fell off that wagon!), and I always end up back where I started or bigger. I'm not against surgery at all, but I know that our health insurance doesn't cover it so I was not seriously considering it because of the cost involved.
Well, I called last week and made an appointment to attend one of Dr. Steven Boyce's "pre-op seminars" and it's coming up next week. I'm kind of torn because I still don't know how I can afford the surgery. It's approximately $18,000 for lap band surgery (includes hospital fees, etc) and $24,000 for gastric bypass. I'm interested in the lap band surgery because the recovery time is much quicker and I won't have to miss much work. Plus it's easily undone if problems arise. I'm anxious to learn about the lifestyle changes involved after the surgery - I know there are food intake changes, etc. Are they changes I could make myself? I doubt it. I've already had 2 fun-size bags of Peanut M&M's this morning, a pop tart, and now am scarfing down lunch at my desk (chicken quesadilla and fries).
Should I just give up and accept being fat? (or thick, large, voluptuous, whatever term you prefer) I'll be 41 in a couple of months. Am I too old to undergo a procedure purely for "cosmetic reasons?" Actually it's not entirely cosmetic. I'm sure I could breathe better and function better at a lower weight.
Does the fact that surgery seems to be my final option mean I'm a failure at willpower? or motivation? or caring for myself? If I go to the seminar and it seems like a great choice for me, then how can I justify the cost? And more importantly, how can I afford it? Whew... I'm getting tired just thinking about it all.

Back to Blogging

I'm trying to start back to blogging again, so hopefully everyone can keep up with me and not think I'm ignoring them. Work has been busier than ever for the past 3 months because my dear friend (and boss) Sara had her baby, Jake, 2 months early and has been out on maternity leave. She has now returned to work (LUCKY FOR ME!) and maybe I can go back to working 9 hours a day instead of 10-12. We have also hired a new secretary, so that will help me out tremendously.
Brief Updates:
Dad is slowly progressing through his disease. He can no longer drive, which has both angered him and broken his heart, and also made it difficult on the rest of us. He was our errand-runner. He still stays by himself when Mom is at work, but I don't know how much longer that is going to last.
Logan has gotten super-involved in sports during the fall and winter. He played basketball for the first season and now is playing baseball. He loved basketball beyond belief and now is really enjoying baseball as well. He mentioned football this week and I don't know if I'm happy about that or not. He's signed up for 3-4 weeks of basketball camp this summer and may play fall baseball as well. It's fun seeing him try new things and I'm very proud of him - I never had the opportunity to play team sports and I'm making sure he has a chance to try whatever he wants to try.
Artie is fine - he had a brief hospital stay in February for a still-undiagnosed seizure-type passing out episode, but has had no further effects from that.
That's a brief status report. I'll blog more later. The pile of work on my desk is staring at me like an ignored puppy.
:)

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is representative of what my parents are like these days … except Dad’s not singing anymore. That in itself is a sad, sad truth. Mom is looking on with tears in her eyes at Dad, which about sums it up lately. He seems to be taking another turn for the worse, and she had a really bad time with him this past weekend. In addition to his goofy and child-like behavior, he also has these angry outbursts where he calls people names (using ‘bad’ words I’ve NEVER before heard him use) and now has started throwing things. He pounds his fist into his head – hard enough where it looks like it would really hurt! He says he’s just going to take a gun and blow his brains out. Mom has now moved their gun out of the house into the safekeeping of a friend.

I’m so torn when I think of them – worried for Mom and sorry that her husband of 42 years is disappearing right before her eyes, sorry that Dad is creating memories that she will never erase, and worried for her mental health. And then I think of Dad and I only want the best care for him and want to (selfishly) keep him around as long as possible, and I miss him so much, the real him that’s already mostly slipped away. If you’ve never watched someone you love be lost to dementia, whether it be Alzheimer’s or some other form, you cannot know the specific pain it brings. I watched my beloved grandmother die from Alzheimer’s slowly and now, to know some of the things that lie ahead for Dad … it’s heartbreaking.

Please pray for my family, and pray for me especially that I would be that good child that takes care of her parents, both of them, and doesn’t turn a blind or ‘too busy’ eye…

Cast Off Day

Well, tomorrow is the day I have been anxiously awaiting for 44 days now - the day I get my last cast off and see my leg again! Well, actually I'm not all THAT anxious to see my leg - I'm sure it's the same fat leg it's always been, with some extra hair (EWWW) and two new scars. But I'm Definitely anxious to get this 20-lb. cast off and wear TWO shoes and get a little more back to normal. Can you believe I've been sleeping downstairs ALONE in a hospital bed in my office for over 6 weeks? And using my cell phone as an alarm clock? I can't. I freeze every night and finally resorted to the Lunesta the doctor gave me to get some rest, but thank goodness for my trusty lap top. It's been my constant companion. Anyway, only about 17 more hours until the big pink fiberglass cast is GONE for GOOD!
Logan is enjoying 3rd grade so far - but it's only been 2-1/2 days. His spelling words are harder this year and now we even have to learn weekly definitions! I know I'm lazy, but I think the school year is rougher on me & Artie than it is on Logan. LOL Logan definitely needs his medication adjusted, but we have to wait until September 1st - Insurance Day!
I had Mom & Dad over for dinner tonight. Don't worry - I didn't cook. Just stopped at KFC and bought a $37 family meal. ($37! For that we could have all gone somewhere good!) I told Mom that with everyone dying around me, I wanted to spend some time with my aging parents in case they keeled over. :( Sad, but true.
While we were eating, one of Dad's teeth just fell right out. It was GROSS. He's lost like 4 teeth off the bottom now and it's kind of disgusting to look at. I'm forcing him to go to the dentist. He said they spend 3 seconds pulling one tooth and charge $4000 and he will just take a bat and bash them over the head. (Mom said to me, "Okay, YOU take him.") LOL Just another day in life with Dad. I got to hear a new word from him tonight too - "whorehopper." Don't ask. LOL
Hey - at least HE doesn't know he's sick, so HE's not stressed about it.