The Things You Think About When Mourning

Have you ever noticed how your thoughts turn when you are in mourning after a loved one has passed away? Sara & I were talking yesterday on the way to or from Zane's burial about how it makes you think about your own mortality, or your parents' age and mortality. I think most of the things Zane's death has made me think, other than the profound sorrow that he won't be a part of my life anymore and the thoughts and prayers for the family, is that I wish I was a person more like him in several ways. He was always the same, people who went to college with him say he never changed - over 40 years of law practice, single parenting, and wild success - he was still the same old Zane he was back in high school and college. I think about how I've changed over the years, molded myself to fit in with whatever group I was with, hiding my true opinions sometimes just to fit in or else trying to be the "class clown" in order to fit in. I don't know if the "true Kim" is all that great or not, but the Kim I've become today has definitely lost some important facets along the way.
I also think about how fun Zane was, how he never seemed down and always had a smile for everyone - even after he was diagnosed in February. He still told his hilarious stories and made everyone laugh until their bellies hurt - how we will all miss that! It seems I am much more of a pessimist than an optimist, always sad or down more than happy and positive. I don't want to be that person that brings everyone down. I want to be one of those people with a smile and a kind word for everyone. Which brings up another point ...
During Zane's memorial service, someone said that Norma said she had never heard Zane say an unkind word about anyone! Can you imagine? Do I ever have a kind word to say about anyone? LOL I always think the worst of people, it seems. I don't want to be that kind of person either.
Seems like I have a lot of issues to talk to my therapist about in the coming weeks, huh? I hope that losing someone as special as Zane will make me strive to be a better person. I want to be more sunshine than rain.