Acceptance

What a weekend. Going to the funeral home to make funeral arrangements for your Dad does not make for a fun-filled Saturday. Mom, Kristi & I handled it pretty well, though, mostly thanks to Kristi's incessant banter trying to keep us from crying. We chose a beautiful black and silver casket, as well as the vault and the register book set. We discussed the music and the photo montage. We discussed the ministers and other more morbid details, such as having a closed casket. I spent some time with Dad on Sunday and it really hit me how close his time is. His main bed sore on his hip is incredibly bad. I don't know how he cannot feel that! The home health nurse says he can't feel it, but he does try to scratch at it. And new sores are developing on his back and his left waist. His weight continues to drop and he is less verbally responsive than ever before. His right leg had already drawn up to his chest; now his left leg is drawing up, as well. His arms and hands are covered in purple necrotic skin areas. It is so hard to see him like this. His eyes are less focused, although he still turns to look when I say "Dad" or "Papaw." His voice seems softer when he does speak. As hard as it is to see him this way, I cannot imagine him physically being gone. At least now I can see him and touch him, speak to him whether he understands me or not. How terribly selfish I am to want him to stay around just for my sake, huh? I can't imagine not having a father here on earth, alive. But I do accept that he will be better off when he passes - in a far, far better place. Please pray for my family, especially Mom, Kristi, and me, as we travel down this road. Even 5 years of illness cannot prepare you for the inevitable last days. Cherish your loved ones every day!!