They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is representative of what my parents are like these days … except Dad’s not singing anymore. That in itself is a sad, sad truth. Mom is looking on with tears in her eyes at Dad, which about sums it up lately. He seems to be taking another turn for the worse, and she had a really bad time with him this past weekend. In addition to his goofy and child-like behavior, he also has these angry outbursts where he calls people names (using ‘bad’ words I’ve NEVER before heard him use) and now has started throwing things. He pounds his fist into his head – hard enough where it looks like it would really hurt! He says he’s just going to take a gun and blow his brains out. Mom has now moved their gun out of the house into the safekeeping of a friend.

I’m so torn when I think of them – worried for Mom and sorry that her husband of 42 years is disappearing right before her eyes, sorry that Dad is creating memories that she will never erase, and worried for her mental health. And then I think of Dad and I only want the best care for him and want to (selfishly) keep him around as long as possible, and I miss him so much, the real him that’s already mostly slipped away. If you’ve never watched someone you love be lost to dementia, whether it be Alzheimer’s or some other form, you cannot know the specific pain it brings. I watched my beloved grandmother die from Alzheimer’s slowly and now, to know some of the things that lie ahead for Dad … it’s heartbreaking.

Please pray for my family, and pray for me especially that I would be that good child that takes care of her parents, both of them, and doesn’t turn a blind or ‘too busy’ eye…

Cast Off Day

Well, tomorrow is the day I have been anxiously awaiting for 44 days now - the day I get my last cast off and see my leg again! Well, actually I'm not all THAT anxious to see my leg - I'm sure it's the same fat leg it's always been, with some extra hair (EWWW) and two new scars. But I'm Definitely anxious to get this 20-lb. cast off and wear TWO shoes and get a little more back to normal. Can you believe I've been sleeping downstairs ALONE in a hospital bed in my office for over 6 weeks? And using my cell phone as an alarm clock? I can't. I freeze every night and finally resorted to the Lunesta the doctor gave me to get some rest, but thank goodness for my trusty lap top. It's been my constant companion. Anyway, only about 17 more hours until the big pink fiberglass cast is GONE for GOOD!
Logan is enjoying 3rd grade so far - but it's only been 2-1/2 days. His spelling words are harder this year and now we even have to learn weekly definitions! I know I'm lazy, but I think the school year is rougher on me & Artie than it is on Logan. LOL Logan definitely needs his medication adjusted, but we have to wait until September 1st - Insurance Day!
I had Mom & Dad over for dinner tonight. Don't worry - I didn't cook. Just stopped at KFC and bought a $37 family meal. ($37! For that we could have all gone somewhere good!) I told Mom that with everyone dying around me, I wanted to spend some time with my aging parents in case they keeled over. :( Sad, but true.
While we were eating, one of Dad's teeth just fell right out. It was GROSS. He's lost like 4 teeth off the bottom now and it's kind of disgusting to look at. I'm forcing him to go to the dentist. He said they spend 3 seconds pulling one tooth and charge $4000 and he will just take a bat and bash them over the head. (Mom said to me, "Okay, YOU take him.") LOL Just another day in life with Dad. I got to hear a new word from him tonight too - "whorehopper." Don't ask. LOL
Hey - at least HE doesn't know he's sick, so HE's not stressed about it.

The Things You Think About When Mourning

Have you ever noticed how your thoughts turn when you are in mourning after a loved one has passed away? Sara & I were talking yesterday on the way to or from Zane's burial about how it makes you think about your own mortality, or your parents' age and mortality. I think most of the things Zane's death has made me think, other than the profound sorrow that he won't be a part of my life anymore and the thoughts and prayers for the family, is that I wish I was a person more like him in several ways. He was always the same, people who went to college with him say he never changed - over 40 years of law practice, single parenting, and wild success - he was still the same old Zane he was back in high school and college. I think about how I've changed over the years, molded myself to fit in with whatever group I was with, hiding my true opinions sometimes just to fit in or else trying to be the "class clown" in order to fit in. I don't know if the "true Kim" is all that great or not, but the Kim I've become today has definitely lost some important facets along the way.
I also think about how fun Zane was, how he never seemed down and always had a smile for everyone - even after he was diagnosed in February. He still told his hilarious stories and made everyone laugh until their bellies hurt - how we will all miss that! It seems I am much more of a pessimist than an optimist, always sad or down more than happy and positive. I don't want to be that person that brings everyone down. I want to be one of those people with a smile and a kind word for everyone. Which brings up another point ...
During Zane's memorial service, someone said that Norma said she had never heard Zane say an unkind word about anyone! Can you imagine? Do I ever have a kind word to say about anyone? LOL I always think the worst of people, it seems. I don't want to be that kind of person either.
Seems like I have a lot of issues to talk to my therapist about in the coming weeks, huh? I hope that losing someone as special as Zane will make me strive to be a better person. I want to be more sunshine than rain.

Trying to Catch Up

There is so much to talk about and I am so behind on my blog that I don’t even know where to start. One of our firm’s attorneys, the founder actually, passed away last week and we are all still shell-shocked. Zane Daniel was one of the most brilliant attorneys this town has ever seen, but more than that, he was the most lovable man you could ever meet. Generous and funny, intelligent and kind, devoted to his family … I could go on and on. His two sons are attorneys here and we are all grieving along with them.

On a much happier note, my friend Sara, who miscarried in her 10th week of pregnancy early in the summer, is now pregnant again and all is going well. She heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time last week and the doctor says everything looks good. So YAY, a new baby to look forward to.

As far as my leg goes, I’m in my walking cast now – since July 26th – and getting around pretty well. I get the cast off on August 16th and we’ll see how I do without one. I’m really looking forward to that, but nervous as well – wondering how my ankle will hold up, how it will look and feel, etc. I certainly will be watching my step for a long while!!

My dad seems to be getting worse little by little, and my mom is so overwhelmed by it all. I can see new wrinkles on her face every day, bags under her eyes. She tries to keep a cheerful façade, but that’s just mom’s way of dealing with things. I’ve been trying to spend more time with both of them, but it’s been harder since I broke my leg.

Logan’s big birthday bash went very well last month. He had a huge turnout, lots of presents, and the kids all had a blast. I can’t believe he’s 8 years old. It seems like only yesterday …

Artie found a used hot tub in the paper for $200 and we went and got it. It needs to be cleaned up, but it seems to be in good shape. Believe me, I’m going to soak in it the minute I get this cast off! Logan calls it the “hot pool.”

That’s about all I can make myself write for the moment. Sorry I’m so behind. Say a prayer for the Daniel family, for our office staff, and for my parents.