Days OFF!

I am very excited about having the next 2 days off. Yes, it would be nice if I were off on Friday, too, but I'll take 2 days without complaining! I have goals for the next 2 days. Let's see how I do in meeting them. I want to get all of our items out of storage before Friday. I want to finish my scrapbook room so I can work on some projects. I want to finish setting up the spare bedroom. I want to watch at least one movie and take at least one nap. And I want to get over this nasty surprise cold!
Happy New Year everyone!

Acceptance...

Oh what a sad night for me last night … Logan won his basketball game, the first of the “Holiday Tournament,” 28-7. Our team did great, although we were two players short and the five remaining had to play the whole game. Everyone on the team scored at least once except Logan. Near the end of the game they were trying very hard to get Logan a score, passing him the ball and working it to him so he could shoot. Out of three or four shots, he missed all of them. The whole game it was like he was off in la-la land all by himself, not paying attention, not following the action at all. Artie was very frustrated – but then Artie is not very supportive of Logan playing sports anyway. So that brings me to the sad part. I am going to have to accept, despite my tremendous sorrow, that Logan is not going to be an athlete. (sigh) There, I said it ‘out loud.’ This is a painful reality for me for several reasons. #1 – I wanted better for him than what I had. I never had an opportunity to play team sports because of our singing schedule and because my parents didn’t ‘believe’ in sports. So I definitely wanted Logan to have the opportunity to play whatever he wanted to play. #2 – I wanted him to be athletic, again unlike me, so he would not have to worry about weight issues and would always be active and healthy. #3 – So many of his friends are involved in a sport and it takes away a commonality that he will miss as they all grow older together. #4 – If you go to the Halls schools, you are treated like a nobody if you don’t play sports. This becomes more obvious as you get into middle and high school, where the whole jocks, geeks, brains divisions start to occur. I don’t want Logan to be the fat, pasty-white kid who plays video games and has acne!!! Artie says Logan is not a natural at sports and Logan is not a very motivated player, so Artie says why push him to play anything? Just let him be whatever he is going to be… stop trying to make him into something he’s not. My philosophy was to expose him to sports and maybe he would find something he really loved and stick with it. He does love basketball, but not enough to really get involved in the games and get his head in it. He would much rather watch WWE or play video games or Guitar Hero. Am I so wrong to want more than that for him? Am I a ‘stage parent’ if I push him to play sports even though he is not good at it? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – the difficulties of parenting never stop – the circumstances just change with age.

After Christmas Blues

You know that kind of sad feeling you get after the last gift is opened and the last family meal has been eaten? Well, besides feeling incredibly over-stuffed? That’s how I felt this morning. I certainly did not want to get out of my nice, comfy bed to come to work after being off for five days. I did not want the holidays to end yet. We had to drive away and leave half of our family in South Carolina yesterday so we could come back home – in an over-packed car to a messy house. Tonight Logan has a basketball game at 6:00, which means I’ll rush out of here as soon as I can and drive like a maniac all the way home to do a quick-change and head right back out again. Hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish some unpacking tonight and putting away cool new gifts – like jewelry and perfume and books and clothes and new Jim Shore pieces!!

This is a picture of me and two of my five nieces, Daniela (L) and Deann (Middle). Deann is like a daughter to me and Artie! We love our nieces!!

I kind of wonder if this was Dad’s last Christmas. I am not like Mom, I don’t always say “He’s in the end stages…” or “… he probably won’t be here much longer…” . I’ve been an optimist so far – at least as much as I can be. Therapy helps, and it somehow helps that we’ve been through this before, with Mamaw. It is so hard to see him this way, and I know there will be a relief in knowing that he doesn’t suffer anymore and he’s gone on to heaven with his parents and brother. But I still don’t want to imagine a world without my Dad in it, you know? He still looks at me in answer when I say “Dad,” and he still laughs when I do something silly for him. Part of me will go when he goes…

On a happier note, we had a blast in South Carolina. The kids always play until there are more dirty streaks than clean, until they collapse into exhausted sleep at night, sometimes all in a pile together. We had a great bonfire Saturday night and great snacks, fireworks, and karaoke!! Leave it to Cheryl Arthur … Mumma & Papoo’s neighbor. LOL. That is one hilarious lady! We did make it home yesterday in time to watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch.

All in all this was a really good Christmas. I have seen more of my extended family in the last few weeks than I usually do in years, I’ve had a lot of great food, big laughs, and great gifts. And I’ve almost made it through the first day back at work, so … it could be a lot worse.

Thankful

So the last few weeks have been kind of a self-pity party for me, reminding myself that since I’m overweight I can’t be attractive and if I’m not attractive then why live… lovely thoughts like that. I don’t know why I get this way sometimes – occasionally it’s a comment someone makes or something I see on TV, or because I look particularly bad in an outfit or something. Superficial, I know, but real to me nonetheless. I guess it’s a limb of my lovely depression tree.

Anyway, with Thanksgiving coming up this week, I decided to try to be positive and think of all the things I have to be thankful for instead of the things I hate about myself. First of all, I am alive and relatively healthy (other than being overweight that is). I am thankful that I don’t have some terrible disease (yet). I am also of course thankful for my husband, Artie, who has lived with me and my neuroses for almost 21 years now. He told me yesterday that he never wants me to feel ugly, because to him I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I mean, come on, how sweet is that? And have you seen me lately? I’m so NOT beautiful! That kind of love is hard to find, and especially hard to keep alive for 21 years. He gave me a beautiful diamond journey necklace as my early anniversary gift to cheer me up from my self-pity. He does most of the housework, he cooks a lot of meals, he loves me through my craziness and depression. And he thinks I’m beautiful? How could I ever beat that? I am very thankful for him.

I am also thankful for our one-of-a-kind son, Logan. He is truly a unique and special child. He danced across the den last night in his boxers to Christmas music. His glasses are always smudged and at the end of his nose. He has two adult front teeth and the rest are still baby teeth, so he favors Bugs Bunny somewhat. He is hilarious and moody and smart and stubborn and for better or worse, the center of our lives. I am truly thankful that God blessed us with a child – one child – this child.

I will write more later. This has been all the positivism I can handle for now.

Learning ...

Well, after finally getting some help for me at work in the form of a new secretary ... Steve has now fired her and I'm all alone again. However, I did get the experience of actually leaving on time a few days while she was here and now I remember how great that feels, so I'm trying to do it more often. LOL That precious half-hour of time between 4:30 and 5:00 actually can be used for good instead of slaving away at my desk for another 30 minutes for FREE. Traffic is lighter if I leave on time, and I can actually run in the grocery store or Walmart or go tan before I pick up Logan ... it's amazing how much 30 minutes can mean to me.
I am so much enjoying Logan's baseball games, but the season is drawing to an end. His last regular season game is next week and then he has a 7-night tournament. Whew! I'm sure I'll be over baseball, at least temporarily, after that. LOL His team is doing great and is 3rd in their district or whatever it's called. He will start practicing for fall ball in July, so I'll definitely be getting my baseball fix.
We have booked our vacation and it's written in blood... or money at least. We have paid for our airline tickets and prepaid our hotel so WORK or nothing else can sway us from our trip. :) We are very excited about 3 days in Orlando and 4 days ON THE BEACH and are counting down the days. Just the 3 of us ... it will be a blast and a much-deserved break.
Artie has been sending out resumes right and left to get out of his ever-worsening job situation. The second of four employees has quit now so it's just Artie and his boss, which means Artie works every night until 7:30 and every other weekend. SUCK CITY. He has an interview next week that we are very excited about, so cross your fingers!

Time Management

So here are all the things I'm trying to fit into my schedule these days: Work (10-11 hours per day), 2nd job (1-2 hours per day), Logan's sports (avg. 2-3 nights per week), church, time with my husband (HA!), enjoying my pool and backyard, and scrapbooking. I'm eliminating the "extra items" from my schedule altogether, like exercise, watching TV, long bubble baths, and my favorite - naps. Anybody want to make me a calendar?

Weight Loss Surgery Debate

I was recently complaining about my weight again and that my diet pills have stopped working. (Adipex prescribed by my real doctor). My husband made the remark that he thinks surgery is about the only option that would work for me now. I've tried diets, pills, plans, exercise (fell off that wagon!), and I always end up back where I started or bigger. I'm not against surgery at all, but I know that our health insurance doesn't cover it so I was not seriously considering it because of the cost involved.
Well, I called last week and made an appointment to attend one of Dr. Steven Boyce's "pre-op seminars" and it's coming up next week. I'm kind of torn because I still don't know how I can afford the surgery. It's approximately $18,000 for lap band surgery (includes hospital fees, etc) and $24,000 for gastric bypass. I'm interested in the lap band surgery because the recovery time is much quicker and I won't have to miss much work. Plus it's easily undone if problems arise. I'm anxious to learn about the lifestyle changes involved after the surgery - I know there are food intake changes, etc. Are they changes I could make myself? I doubt it. I've already had 2 fun-size bags of Peanut M&M's this morning, a pop tart, and now am scarfing down lunch at my desk (chicken quesadilla and fries).
Should I just give up and accept being fat? (or thick, large, voluptuous, whatever term you prefer) I'll be 41 in a couple of months. Am I too old to undergo a procedure purely for "cosmetic reasons?" Actually it's not entirely cosmetic. I'm sure I could breathe better and function better at a lower weight.
Does the fact that surgery seems to be my final option mean I'm a failure at willpower? or motivation? or caring for myself? If I go to the seminar and it seems like a great choice for me, then how can I justify the cost? And more importantly, how can I afford it? Whew... I'm getting tired just thinking about it all.